Elephino Creative Industries

It’s the end of 2007 … a year that will be remembered primarily for its proximity to both 2006 AND 2008. While most news outlets and writers of words have turned their attention to distilling what it all meant, I’m far more interested in the specifics of 2008 (and in procrastinating on my writing challenge tasks). So, here is my complete look at what will happen in the new year (feel free to skip ahead to 2009 after you’re done reading):

Political -

The biggest news item for the year, obviously, will be the election of a new president (hooray!). That new president will not be Dennis Kucinich. Let me repeat that for clarity … the new president will not be Dennis Kucinich. You read it here first, folks.

Sports -

The New England Patriots will win Super Bowl XLII (could we stop pretending this event is somehow sophisticated and drop the Roman numerals?) on February 3rd. The broadcast will draw record viewers, major dollars will be spent on 30 second commercials. And, then, on February 5th, everyone will have forgotten about it and wonder why they have so much bean dip in the fridge.

Business -

Exxon-Mobil, following a year of record profits, will buy Venezuela.

Technology -

Apple, Inc. will release a an Apple-branded Etch a Sketch in the Summer. Other than the brushed aluminum case and having no knobs, it will be identical to a regular Etch a Sketch. The media will greet it as a technological revelation. Apple stock quadruples. (Full disclosure: I’m an Apple fanboy).

Arts & Entertainment -

At approximately 3am on June 17th, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan will collide into each other on Wilshire Blvd in Los Angeles destroying their cars and themselves in the process. Moments later, the Paparazzi will collectively cease to exist … turning into a fine, yellowish powder that goes unnoticed in the early morning breeze off the Pacific.

Religion -

In a surprise move, Jesus returns to Earth on July 18th. Christians everywhere are disappointed, though, as He’s only here for two hours to catch the new Batman movie before returning Home.

Miscellaneous -

Rob will in fact be eaten by zombies. This will occur as the result of a quirk of fate, and not the Zombie Apocalypse (that won’t happen until 2016, right after lunchtime in early May).

So it is written…

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